“We are not one self, but many. The work is in choosing — again and again — who leads.”
For the longest time, I lived two lives. Two women inside one skin, one chasing experience and the other chasing meaning. One roaring down highways, music blaring, abuse at her lips, the other waking up with the birds, moving like water, hearing silence sing.
this is the dance of Material Me and Spiritual Me – and this is the story of how I stopped choosing sides and started consciously choosing wholeness.
Material Me — The Hungry One
Material Me loves the thrill —
She drinks, indulges, eats rich and spicy foods, flirts with the edge.
She brings the party, becomes the party.
She’s dramatic, sexy, fast, full of appetite — for life, for chaos, for approval.
She laughs hard, dances harder, gets attention without trying,
But wakes up in a fog — dazed body, tired heart, a gut asking for mercy.
She doesn’t mean harm. She just wants to feel alive.
She doesn’t know she’s burning out while chasing the spark.
Spiritual Me — The Light Keeper
Spiritual Me, she wakes with the first light,
Eats simply, breathes deeply, walks barefoot in the grass.
She is light — in body, in presence, in energy.
People feel her before they see her.
She doesn’t need to speak to shift a room.
Her glow isn’t performance, it’s peace.
She loves like a mother — gentle, expansive, without condition.
She became this through stillness, by listening, by softening into her own truth.
She didn’t kill desire — she refined it.
She didn’t suppress Material Me — she invited her home.
When the Split Hurts
But for a long time, they fought.
The more I tried to silence Material Me, the louder she rebelled.
And the more I leaned into Spiritual Me, the more guilt I carried when I slipped.
The body would ache, the mind would spiral, clarity would vanish.
I’d feel confused, divided, lost in the tug-of-war.
Was I meant to party or pray?
Laugh or be still?
How could both parts of me be true?
The Real Work — Who Gets to Lead
Slowly, I learned it’s not about picking a side.
It’s about choosing who leads.
Not once. But every single day.
Material Me still shows up —
But now she dances beside, not in front.
And she’s softened, too —
Her needs aren’t as loud anymore,
Because she trusts that she’ll be heard, without having to shout.
Spiritual Me doesn’t dominate — she invites.
She whispers in moments of stillness:
“You don’t have to prove anything anymore. Just be.”
This stillness isn’t restriction — it’s liberation.
It’s a new kind of aliveness. A deeper, clearer freedom.
The dullness I once feared was actually my soul longing for peace.
Invitation to Awareness
So now I ask myself, gently —
Who’s leading today?
Is it hunger, or is it wisdom?
Is it escape, or is it presence?
And to you, reading this —What if you didn’t have to silence your chaos to become whole?
What if your loudness, your wildness, your restlessness…
could sit beside your peace, not in place of it?
Let your spiritual self lead with love, not rules.
Let your material self rest without shame.
The glow-up, the real grow-up —
Isn’t in becoming someone else. It’s becoming more you.
You are not a split. You are a sacred union.
A wild daughter of life, And the still lake that reflects it all.